Sometimes, somedays.

It's supposed to get easier, right. But sometimes i feel like as though i ran 2 km forwards and got driven 30 km back. Like as though a horse bit me by the ear and galloped all the way back in the opposite direction.

Oh and did you know, today, during Econs class, i told Farah with utmost conviction that 42 km is the distance between Singapore and Kuala Lumpur. I honestly thought so. I forgot the fact that the longest Standard Chartered marathon race, organised within our tiny little island itself, is about 42 km long. Wth.

Guess what, i am so good at predicting my scores. Twice i knew in my heart what grade i'd get for the two A'level H1 subjects I sat for last year. Results don't surprise me anymore. Especially since everything i've done just screams MEDIOCRITY. I deserve both grades, i have to say. The effort put into PW just wasn't quality effort.

Nothing surprises me anymore. Nothing that i look forward to. Nothing i feel like working towards.

Letter to April Aa'lia (it's a long one)

I kept thinking about what April Aa'lia would want from me in future.

I want you to have a supportive family, with a network of compassionate aunties and lovely grandparents to dote on you. A family that you can lean on and turn to. One that is closely knitted and financially well-off, if possible.

I would want you to have plenty of pocket money in future, so i'll make sure of it, darling, i will. I want your tuition fees taken care of and your 20 (or so) years of education saved up for. I want to send you for scuba-diving and piano lessons. You'd learn to ride a horse, a bike and an elephant.

You'll dance and i won't let you eat fatty food. Hahaha. You will have tofu, broccoli and all healthy suff on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. I'll let you have "bad food" on the remainder of the days. You can pick up touch rugby, tennis, golf or all three, even!

You are not allowed home after 11 pm, on weekends, darling, (this only applies when you're 17-19 years of age) UNLESS YOU HAVE A VALID REASON. You'll be asked to do your share of the housework. Do the dishes, vacuum and clean our family pet (i'd like a dog, actually, but since that's not allowed, a cat would be fine). You'll be close to both me and your dad. You can tell us everything! Your dad will sayaang you.

By the way April, if you happen to have ugly hair, i'll take you to the hair dresser's to get it fixed right away! Because I know how it's like to have fugly hair. Oh and April, since i don't want you to grow up without siblings, you'll have May or June to contend with. You girls will have fun together. So April darling, how's that?

Oh and considering my temper, i know i cannot stand children but if and when i do get really angry, and flare up- threatening to pull your intestines out or to feed your womb to the nasty dogs, just dial for Farah Reyhan's social services, okay? Haha, She'll come save you from my wrath.

Maybe one day you'll read this and roll your eyes. Maybe you'll even read my other silly blog entries and find out about my first love, first heartbreak and all the embarrasing stuff that i so painstakingly and foolishly documented for the world to see. I find blogging therapeutic, somehow. Oh well.

To end off, April dear, I think i'll love you plenty- even though I probably won't tell you this enough in future. Your grandmother wasn't a very affectionate woman and I would probably follow suit, because i don't really do hugs and kisses (even though i'm exeptionally fond of them). April Aa'lia, no matter how many times i threaten to disown you, or say things that I may regret- please know that I love you, always, all ways. Who knows, maybe i'd probably love you more than your daddy!

With unconditional love (?),
Nasirah.