Vacant.

Does it make me a bad person, because all I feel now is - masyaallah leceh nyerrrr.

It does. I hate inconveniences and of late, I seem to think that most things are, an inconvenience to me. Selfish, beyond belief. I know. What's a little sacrifice on my part, right? After all that they have done for me! The difference is, they made that choice, they were READY. I didn't have a say. And believe me, if i had a choice, it wouldn't be this. All that I can do now is to pray. And deal with the inconveniences, the way that i am expected to, with much patience - a quality that i am somehow perpetually missing.

I shouldn't mind.
I shouldn't mind.
I shouldn't mind.

After all, I've led pretty much a bless'd life. What's a tiny bump in the road? An inconvenience, that's what! Like a pebble blocking my horse carriage. Just kick it aside. The thing is, the whole process of kicking it aside is tedious - first i have to get up from my seat, jump from the carriage, walk to the pebble and finally remove it... and the process still won't be over because after that I have to make my way back to my carriage.

Please make me less of an awful person. Please help me rid of this feelings of irritation and utter annoyance. Make me filial. Make me love them. I beg of You. If You won't help me, help them. It'll make it easier because they have been good parents, just that... well. Well things don't always turn out the way it should and I think You understand that better than any other being. Idealism is as good as the dreams you cook up in your sleep.

I cannot explain myself any further.

P/S: I have removed my archives because it makes me uneasy to have people read them, clicking on every single month. What are you crazy?? I don't know why you're so interested or why you'd even bother but i don't want you to think you know me inside out just because you have access to my chronicles. Are you spying on me? What is this? Are you my potential employer? Are you doing a background check? Are you purposely driving me into paranoia? Are you hoping to wreck my mental health so that no cute (and sane) boy would ever look in my direction ever again? Who are you and what do you want? You want to find written evidence of slander so that you can use it against me in court for a crime that i may have unknowingly committed (which makes me innocent, yes?)?? Or are you looking to find information on my friends? Hmm? See so many possibilities that it's quite impossible for me to list all the hypothetical situations. Imma stop now.

P/P/S: Oh wait, could it be that you're my future husband? Well, in that case, what are you waiting for?! Send me a photo and attach your resume, personal profile and most importantly, a written agreement that one of my hantarans would be a Mahina L (subjected to changes in taste and preferences), please! Okay if you're a weird looking person with suspicious shifty eyes and curly moustache, FORGET IT. I like cute cute people. When I say cute, I don't mean short hor. I have this unexplainable thing against short and berg-looking guys. It's just a thing, so don't come sue me for discrimination. I know they can't help it. But I can't help but dislike it either.

Oh and fuck it if you're gonna berate me for superficiality. Go save your "it's the inside that counts" speech for somebody who's blind or cares, for that matter.

I really amuse myself sometimes. *shakes head, grow up, nas*

Have a good week ahead you all!