You know how I never believe that anything is actually as good as it looks. And that everything good that happens is just gonna come back and fuck me right in the ass as soon as I face the other way. I'm tired of paying the price that happiness comes tagged with. I can't afford it anymore :( You know that I'm still seeing other people. Yet you put up with it, when my dear friend sent a warning your way, saying that he'll break your face if you hurt a single hair on my head.

It amazes me that you're still here. You've been making the effort. I see it, I feel it. What, with my countless of silly rules, the way I'm never able to make up my mind indefinitely, my pessimism... oh wait, there's more... my fears, my "secret insecurities" (you saw right through them). I've made it so simple for you to just walk away. But I think you're telling me that you want to stick around.

You've met my friends, even though I know you don't really want to, yes, I know how very much shakened you probably still are after that unfortunate encounter with my mom. You make me smile. And we've already walked the mile (haha remember jungle trekking?) And you never fail to make me feel comfortable (and uncomfortable too) in your presence. Most importantly, you make me feel like i'm something special. Like i'm worth making the trip for. And you inject FUN into everything we do together! Now that's really important because I know how dull I can be, esp since I stress about submissions and my little projects like all the time.

I know that I've been trying so hard, both consciously and subconsciously... to find reasons for me to not want to be with you. But what's the point, really? I love being with you.

Here's something i bet you didn't know: I didn't sleep the whole night, when you told me what you found out from Andy last wed because i was so afraid that i screwed everything up and if you were gonna do something major (and you did, you friggin crashed the car) and i worried the whole night. I had my eyes on my phone and you on my mind THE WHOLE TIME. So don't think I didn't giveashit. I just don't get worked up and if I do, I list all the horrible possibilities in my head and try to figure out what to do if the situation arises. I don't go into a frenzy. I try not to panic. I'll just sit and pray. And think of damage control.

It scares me that I care. And that is all.