What do i like?

Ringing phones are not a good thing... especially if it comes late at night. When I'm already home.

1) It could only mean that it's for my parents

2) Is someone sick?

3) Is someone close in danger?

4) Death?

Startling and shrill. I hate it. But I also love that it could be all four. Maybe it's what we've been waiting for - for the bad things to happen so the good things will come.

New Year, again.

Hello, life.

Just spent the whole day with my colleagues and we all did our own personal goal setting. Pledging to do that is just the first step to becoming what I really really want (which i realised is not just to be rich).

I have also redefined what money means to me. It's not about having enough to go on holidays. Or buying something special for myself everytime I feel "sad". That happened most of last year to the point where I looked forward to being upset just so I could comfort myself and buy something new. How detrimental. No. Money means freedom to give and share my wealth with the people who matter. Which is why I have to buy time now, since youth is still very much on my side.

When I think of the kind of woman I really want to embody... Images of Kate Middleton and Amal Alamuddin Clooney pops into my head. Like no shit sherlock, they look like they get. things. DONE. Let's work towards that this year Nas, for real.

When I want a slice of cake, I'd be thinking - "KATE WOULD NEVER EAT ONE AT 11PM".

When I want to sleep in on a weekday? "AMAL DID NOT LAND CLOONEY BECAUSE SHE'S JUST ANOTHER LAZY BITCH WHO SLEEPS ALOT."

I feel so motivated already.

Here's a few pictures of my new favourite woman of 2015. Frikin ace. She is wearing everything I have dreamed of wearing or would totally pick out for myself if I was skinny and more high maintenance (which, trust me, i aim to be by the end of this year). I want to strut in with my Stella McCartney pantsuit and link arms with my beau on a boat. Why the hell not. I'd love to marry a strong, influential man. Dream big girls. Why the hell not.

High maintenance is not a bad thing - especially if i am the one doing all the maintaining and grooming of myself. I just like the idea of looking super put together on a daily basis and not like my usual lazy a-tornado-flew-around-my-room-before-you-came look. Women who look messy never amount to anything unless you are Jennifer Aniston's artfully tousled hair.

P/S. Insya Allah. Nothing in life happens without God's will. I can only plan, strive and pray. So help me, God.

friday nights

beginning to think that i shouldn't be watching movies like "it was you charlie" because it is so depressingly real. not sucha good way to start saturday. maybe i should drag myself out and attend yoga tomorrow.

i counted 7 computers in our home today. 6 personal laptops and 1 desktop. perhaps machines are really taking over the world. i do see my macbook alot more than my momma sometimes.

Just like that and it's another year

I was circling around the net like a vulture, looking for some new information to devour but nothing quite excited me. That's life isn't it? One moment you would give anything to be bored out of your mind and the next moment, you need to find something else to pre-occupy this shallow desire that demands to be noticed.

I was just reflecting on how my twenties turned out... now that I am about to be thrown into the middle of mine. Oh how delightful. I think I spent most of it figuring out what job I wouldn't mind doing. I didn't spend enough time actually making sure that I become spectacularly good at something... you know?

Now that I have realised it, moving forward from here on: I've decided that I want to be great with people!

See, i came to this conclusion because i don't think i'll ever be great at organising events - nor do i wish to do sucha thing for extended periods of time. I love conceptualising and I love throwing out ideas but doing something from start to finish has always been a pet peeve of mine. I just don't have the patience. Always itching to move on to something else. Which brings me to where I have chosen to be in life right now. I like meeting different people and I've been wanting to cry out to my colleagues saying - I CLOSED THE ACCOUNT. But in my line of work; it could probably take years and years and ain't nobody got time for that.

So I actually upped and left and moved into a completely new industry. Financial services. My friends asked me what happened, have i gone off the rail? I thought you wanted to write, i thought you loved being in the arts scene! Yes, yes and yes there are just too many things that I want to do and I refuse to be limited or defined by the office hours that I am made to commit with an institution or any company! Also it kinda got depressing when I realised that no matter how much i move around.... every job still confines me to a desk at the end of the day. It's not like i get to train seals. Well, there was one point where i was sorta working with children.... and that was kinda like being with animals, no?

Back to the point - Why I'm here? Simple, because there aren't enough good financial advisors around and I know I'm going to make that difference. I have had enough of my people meeting some lousy ass product peddler and setting aside thousands a year with them because of some misleading statement they made. Plus I know I'm going to be a good one because I'm working my ass off everyday to learn the right things.

So here i am, in personal sales. Oh god there's so much i need to learn. But I'm enjoying it. Mostly because I feel like what i have to say is important and i get compensated well for doing it. Ok i'll be honest - it's because I don't feel like i belong to someone else most of the week. I don't have a boss i need to report to yet i do get all the training i need to excel. Sure it's not what I've always dreamed off... but it's getting me a step closer to what i've always wanted - which is to have money and buy myself some time.

When I figure out my next step... I'll be logging in to write about it, yeah? Until then.

P/S: I'd like to add that this is the happiest I have been in 3 years. I am free. Alhamdullillah. I'm actually smiling while tying this entry out and that just feels... so good.

yabbadabadoo.

I want to be the girl who makes it.

What does that mean... making it?

It feels like it's been a long time since I've been happy.

I've been working, yet going nowhere. I'm stuck feeling completely useless and hopelessly enamoured by my own ideals about what my career should look like. Yet where's my achievement? Patience, child. Nothing comes overnight. Nor does it only take 3 months or a year even. It takes more dedication than that. You put in time and then you reap results. You don't just touch and go.

I know of this girl, who people want to buy drinks for and give things to. They do and the wondrous thing is that somehow she makes them feel like they owe her something, instead of the other way around. How is it that some people have the wonderful gift of gab.

And I'm this awkward person, who laughs awkwardly and just prays for people to leave her alone when they talk to her at meetings or networking sessions. I have this fear that people want something from me and I'm unable to provide it to their satisfaction. And then they look for it elsewhere. And it'll all be my fault (trust me it happens a lot in my personal life but I will not stand for such treatment professionally!).

Back to this unhappiness that I spoke of earlier.

Did you know that 5 years ago... I thought I'd be able to at least drive by 24? I thought that I'd have enough money to get myself a home (very far fetched, but a girl could plan). Of course, I didn't think I'd be married (and i'm not married) neither did i even think i'd be cconsidering marriage but it seems like a nice prospect! It truly seems like it. The moment I get married i'm going to ask my husband to start a new business venture with me. It's all i've ever wanted. To leave something I built behind.

But now, at 24. Huh, let's see if i even have enough energy to give my room a makeover.

There's so many things I wish I am but I'm just not.

1) I wish i'm the crafty sort, who can make anything look beautiful with some fabric and glue.

2) I wish i'm the goal oriented sort. No nonsense, do or die.

3) I wish i have more energy, and the sort that loooves exercising.

Okay. That's all for now. Enough with the yammering.