I'm twenty one.

I've always hated birthdays.

It is of no significance, really. I hate it when they're yours. I hate it when it's mine. I just hate the whole fuss. It's like, society expects you to make a fuss. Oh trust me, I've witnessed some horribly redundant celebrations that irked me to no end because it's so pointless, it borders on diabolical - especially since i'm expected to participate in a routine so rehearsed that there's no sincerity left. But the good thing was, i no longer have to participate in such stuff after A'levels. I now do things because I want to. Or if it's fun to plan!

Nevertheless, being the overly flawed creature that I am, I have come to expect some sort of fuss. At least from the people you care about.

Getting put on this earth, in itself, is not an accomplishment. The celebration probably lies in what you have accomplished, thus far. On your first birthday, you probably learnt how to crawl. And on your 21st... well.

I have,

1) Made the best decision ever to enroll in LASALLE's Art Management.
2) An eating disorder that harms me but does nothing to skinnify me
3) Dated 3 different guys who goes by "Khai". Almost consecutively.
4) Sold a painting
5) Written almost 60 sponsorship letters, all to different companies!
6) Learnt to beg, steal and borrow with the words i print on paper
7) Bitched a whole lot less because I've learnt to surround myself only with people I like :)
8) Lost a significant amount of income to cabbies all across our island
9) Come to terms that I'm never quite gonna be skinny but I'll still try anyway
10) Tried to channel positivity but failed miserably

Clearly there are lots more. But there's always that niggling feeling at the back of your mind saying... is that all??

And every birthday. I just wonder. I wonder if the next one would feel better. I wonder if I'll be better.

One year, is plenty of time for things to change or for you to make a change. If you're lucky, you get to catch up with the changes. Or there won't even be a change. Would that be more desirable, to stay stagnant for an entire year? I suppose most would see it as stability!

But for me, EVERYTHING kinda changed this year. I'm barely floating. I cannot keep up fast enough. Between deciding to take up which project and cracking head over i-AM, between "I want you in my life" and pure indifference. Between being a good daughter or choosing to fight for what I want (lie, cheat and squander). Between choosing selflessness over selfishness. Between quitting one job for another. Between deadlines and dates that make you wish you're dead...

Between just getting used to being twenty only to find that you're already twenty-one.

So here's to anyone who's only twenty-one: Life's just about to begin. And it's not gonna get any easier so let's not get too caught up with hope.

Go built that motherfucking armour (or shield if you're lazy & think slipshod protection = prevention). You might feel invincible now... thinking you can afford multiple wounds and perhaps a gunshot or handle few slashings (okay this might not necessarily be a metaphor for an emotional scar)... but what if you don't die by fifty?

Oh damn I am cynical alright.