Of starting out.

Hello.

I think it has come to a point whereby I am obsessed with ensuring that I do get what I'm after. Through all the right, legitimate ways. It's like I'm suddenly challenging and expecting so much out of myself... And realising that I've been nothing but a disappointment.

Like that interview on Wednesday. I actually studied the organisation instead of my aesthetics paper (which I hope I did okay... considering). But yet I just baulked when she asked what was it that I love about what they do. Maybe it's the mahogany table. Or maybe it was the coffee bar at the back of the office space, and the guy tending the place. Maybe I was just so shocked that their culture is like that. Which arts organisation expects their people to be in suits? And to have deep velvet purple and pink hues as the corporate colours? Folders in various shades of purple too!!! I think I gave a lackluster interview. I think I'm not what they were looking for. I think she saw that I was intimidated by it all. I think my lack of confidence shone through.

I have yet to get an outright rejection from them. But you know what, some things you just know. Maybe it's a good thing that I won't get it? Maybe i would have been miserable working there for three months. I'm not a very detail oriented person. I'm hardly a perfectionist. I can't tell whether or not the rows are straight and my grammar's not perfect. My finger nails aren't immaculate and I WASN'T APPROPRIATELY DRESSED FOR THE INTERVIEW!

In my really short work history, I've never been rejected after an interview before. This could be the first time. And it won't be that last. I just want it so bad because I know that it'll be a challenge and I want this challenge. I want to be a part of what they do. I want to learn. I don't know man. But everything happens for a reason :)

Just like how my laptop died along with all my documents and recommendation letter copies that I hadn't had the sense to back up when I was doing my Venice internship application. I ended up not submitting it after realising that heyy... I don't think I can afford to go to Venice at this juncture. God probably already knew that getting rejected twice in a row would send me into some sort of psychotic state.

Should I look for yet another internship now? Probably. But it's not gonna pay as well :( There goes all my dream shopping.

I WOULD RATHER GO THROUGH HEARTBREAK AGAIN AND AGAIN THAN FAIL AT THIS.