Yo.

I have been running away. Everytime something goes wrong, I bury myself in a new project.

My answer to handling grieve? Make money.

Coping with a break up? Make money!

Heartache and annoyance? Money!

Anger and frustration? Money, of course.

And I'm not saying that I actually have a lot of money (which I honestly don't because I love spending more than making) so at the end of the day... I have nothing to show for it , really... except for the experience I've gotten from the whole fiasco.

The thing is, i've realised that i cannot compensate what i'm lacking in one department... By upgrading myself in the other (and only) department I know how. As a result, I've really got quite a bit of baggage that I should retrieve from the conveyor belt and start sorting em out - dealing with it.

But it's so difficult. And everytime I try. I just feel like the lousiest, weakest person on earth. I ought to be more spiritual. Have more patience. More faith.

Maybe the truth is, I'm afraid of what i'll find. I'm afraid of losing control. But there's always that nagging feeling at the back of my mind... Saying - haven't you already lost control?

If i'm so good then... I wouldn't have failed so many times. If i'm good enough then, i wouldn't be finding myself here, in this agonising weekend bashings that I put myself through time and time again. I need to find myself. Maybe I need to do something that heals the soul. And feel... Wholesome.

Something that isn't associated with making money.

But i hate having no chocolate in my bank account & no cheese in my purse. Hell my purse is already how ugly at the moment -.-