Hello Broccolee.

I've always been obsessed with this blog, since I started it back in OMG 2007! Feels like as if I've raised a toddler.

I used to dream and plan out what to write. And i used to get almost a hundred unique hits a day. All that in my blog's prime.

I thought i never would stop writing regularly here. But I suppose, i sorta did - eventually, sometime in April - May 2010. I just didn't have anything to say anymore. Or maybe I kinda lost sight of myself at that point in time. Hmm or it could be that I was having too much fun and coming home a little too late to blog. Plus, i took on minimal copywriting projects at that point, so that meant less time on the computer and more time outside, with the then jackass of a boyfriend who was so assholically appealing & irresistible and his dynamic friends (who i admit that i have sorely missed but life goes on too quickly so... oh well).

Then i suppose after that, I got truly busy, reorganizing my life. And trying to figure out how to reinvent myself and be better than ever. The answer has always been pretty clear: I needed to be thin & toned. Unfortunately, that is still not happening. I went on fad (fat) diets and crazy bursts of exercises for like, maybe 15 mins and then ache till i feel like as if i'm pushing a baby outta my ass. I would then go into this crazy tirade with myself and I will fight and blame and punish myself with sit ups and then cry and eat cake and call Farah out for something savory coz sweet just don't do it for me.

So it was like that for a bit. I of course did the usual; threw myself into work/school. I established new relationships with a bunch of different people. Forged alliances. Doodled plans in my notebook. Doodled ideas and drew mind maps on scraps of paper when it hits - I surfed the net a whole lot. And I got in touch with this somewhat maternal side. I kinda found out that I like doing something for the benefit of children. I still don't like having to be directly in contact with them... But I'd like to benefit them in some way.

I don't know what this whole entry is about, really. I suppose i'm trying to talk myself through my own life. I'm kinda being lazy. Blogging is usually the act of procrastinating, really. I'm typing down this entry cause I don't quite feel like studying. Or picking up the pen. Just yet.

It was a good Ramadhan, anyway. I definitely was not the best Muslim but I tried, very hard, to keep myself in check. And I'm not sure what propelled me to do that but I certainly hope that my intentions weren't flawed. From what i remember, every time I pray, I will, without fail, ask for God to give me the strength to overcome whatever obstacles. I won't say that i really feel like I am strong, cause I sure am not... but I have managed to handle shit better. I have faith that I'll get through any kinda shit, regardless of how many nights I spend feeling like the worse person in the world - I will get through it. Alhamdulillah. I suppose life hasn't been all that kind but definitely, far from cruel. I did however, pray for something a little more specific this time around.

"Ask and you shall receive".

I did, ask. I don't know if it's the best for me, honestly and I have many doubts. But I just can't see myself NOT having _____ and the whole package that I have painstakingly designed in my head. I feel silly, asking for something so specific. Embarrassed, really. But I really want it :( Hahaha spoilt brat. Can't help but think - what if God has something better in store for me? Nah, but i have vested my trust in You and maybe He will grant me what i want first... and if it's really all wrong than... it's ok, I have the rest of my life to figure it out.

Zoe did suggest that I pray for peace. It's not at all overrated, come to think of it. I'd like to find peace within me. That calmness I've heard people talking about but have never felt it myself. What is that like?

So that is all. This is one long entry. So haphazardly written too.

So far, i have pretty much stuck to my guns. My priorities have not shifted one tiny bit.

1) Graduate well
2) Built strong business relations
3) Accomplish as much as I can professionally, before graduation

Okay... except, maybe, I still have not quite started studying since the internship ended. So now what happens? I feel like i'm falling behind already. Readings, assignments, the thesis... aaaargh. I even had a nightmare about school.