He wrote to me.

"You challenge me and provoke me. You always keep me moving and you told me of things I never imgained. When I listen to you, I discover how bizzare you are - from the way you think to the way you seem to let go of thinking in all entiety. You dropped a glass without a second thought just because you got bored of holding on to it and you couldn't find a table to set it on! How beautifully careless was that? And when you're deep in thought, you'd ask me if your idea would work - but not because you want my approval but because you just want to hear how it sounds like when you tell them about it. Most of all. It's when we talk over the phone. You'd listen attentively. You ask me questions. You ask me questions all the time. Sometimes I cannot answer you and you'd do that thing you do with your face. You wrinkle your nose and you squint your eyes, teasing me, for not being able to satisfy you. But yes, I believe we have satisfied each other in plenty of ways.

Our skin never touched. And our lips have never met. I yearned to hold your hand but I remembered how you once mentioned that holding hands is simply a more intimate gesture than even... sex.

But oh have our eyes danced.

Sometimes we just let words wash away. You'd look at me as if to dare me to say what's on my mind. You'd flick your hair and lean your face towards mine. You'd blow in my face as though it'll turn me away from you. But never, not when you were so close. I remember how short your eyelashes were. I remember the exact location of your dimples. I remember how naked your face was... vastly different from the girls I've been with.

You love blueberry muffins. You didn't know this but I've always doubted your love for those muffins. I think you don't really love the muffins. I think you love the sound of blueberry muffins. You like saying, "Blueberry muffins please," when you place your order at the Mac Cafe counter. But when it's being set in front of you, you don't dig in with the zest of someone in love with blueberry muffins. You slowly chew, as if wondering why you ordered it in the first place. Am I right about this? I think you want to be in love with blueberry muffins. But you cannot... because you like salty stuff! Remember the Ruffles I got? Remember how you tore into the pack and we munched away... chatting and chugging back coke!

I like how salt tastes on my tongue. It feels... more real than sugar. I like your presence in my life. It was more real than any kind of relationship I've ever been in. You called me whenever you wanted. You hurt me whenever you wanted too. You didn't know you were doing it because you're just made like that. You always think that everything's a small matter. You have a tendency to take everything lightly. You take it for granted that things are going to be alright. But what if one day things just change? Would you re-trace and try salvage the things that you think went wrong? Would you be able to identify it yourself?

Dear Nasirah, you'll always be the girlfriend I never had. Because you weren't good enough to me. Because you never asked me to stay. Because you would make a horrible girlfriend. You wouldn't know how. You'd say that you've forgotten how to love. Maybe you never loved in the first place. Or maybe you can't love.

Because there really is nothing wrong with me - but there's just no one right for you."

Dear You,

You are so right about me. That was your fatal flaw. You wanted to know me better than I wanted to know myself. Thank you for the email. Thank you for putting up with me. Thank you for being so far away now. Thank you for giving me so much of your time. Thank you. Without you, I would never have made certain decisions in my life. You kept on watering me with encouragement and love, throughout last year and you were always sincere.

I'm still stuck. But I've met someone who's slowly untangling me.

Thank you for writing to me months ago. I've finally composed a reply, after so long. Because I wasn't sure what to say. And I wasn't sure what you wanted to hear. I know you still read me, from miles away.