Quarterly report on life.

The entire year has so far been purely about getting ahead and achieving my career-related goals ever since that godforsaken shitty start to my 2011. I can still feel that disgust and disappointment at the back of my throat but anyway that really brought me down to earth and made me realise where i'm lacking - not really in the looks department (hehe) but rather, my OUTLOOK on life.

I've got this big shadow of resentment (for myself) that i cannot detatch from and if anything it's getting darker and heavier with every passing month. I just feel like i'll never be good enough. Always lacking. One huge chunk there. Bits and pieces everywhere. So I've been trying, as hard as i possibly can to just deal with what i CAN change: my future... Career wise, at least!

But sad to say, it's not enough. It's making me even more self absorbed than ever. And i think i have misplaced some of my responsibilities and priorities. Sure, i've gained some strong alliances (who are, on some days the only people i need and want to see. The only people who i want to be around to keep my wandering mind occupied) but i miss waking up simply for lunch with friends.

Or get dressed, really get dressed, doll up and go out on a date that lasts more than an hour! A date that doesn't involve galleries or museums or 15 mins of "hey, yay, come what may" and than vamoosh off somewhere else...

To be honest, I can't tell if i'm complaining about this state that i've gotten myself in... Or i'm just proud of myself. Proud that i'm finally putting myself and my future first before any guy (no matter how adorable)! Haha i suppose after awhile i became a jaded serial dater. And i'd hate to get side-tracked only to find myself in need of yet another heartbreak to jolt me into another one of my frenzied projects that i take up when i need a major distraction (haha the last time it happened, i decided to go ahead and commit to 4 people; our own little baby collective that's soon to be registered!)

Sometimes I think I just enjoy going, "I'm sorry I really have no time!" Ha. Wait till the novelty wears off.

Anyway, life hasn't been too bad. I've come to believe that everything will be undercontrol. Give yourself 5 mins, maximum to breakdown/ go into panic attack. Then shake it off & plunge into the things that really matter.

So what if i really suck at keeping a relationship together. So what if i'm rubbish in ____. Haha i'd like to pretend it doesn't bother me but good lord it tears me up inside. I'll learn, maybe. But for now there are plenty of other sorts of relationships that needs establishing & i am so excited.

And albeit my obscene self interest in.. MYSELF, i didn't miss my dear Yanni's 22nd birthday. Neither did i miss her debut on stage!!! (I almost did but I didn't!). So you see, sometimes it's possible to care about people more than Nas cares about money. Or business. Or makin money outta people. You get my drift.

Ta.