Something from Postsecret.

"I walked out on my therapist because if you analyse something that much- nothing good will come out of it. LIVE."

I was doing my usual Sunday night ritual, reading new postcards on Postsecret & this one particular entry hit me. How true, don't you think? I believe that sometimes, you just have to stop over-thinking. Because it's the only way for you to see the positive, happy, simple things that life has to offer. Why trouble yourself and go deep into unventured fortresses of your mind, when you haven't even bothered to check what's really there on the surface?

I guess it's true, as humans, we all have this unconscious and innate desire to be pitied and cared for- especially in times of supposed "great tribulations" that life has to offer- breakups, rejection, failure, money woes and more. I am utterly guily of this.

But i'd like to believe, once and for all that i am free of all that heartbreak. Just pick yourself up- & you'll be fine. No one likes wet sods around 24/7, yes?

Seventeen

Photos: From Eunice Sitikus

Spent my Saturday in the company of girls- not just any kinda girlfs but really damn hot ones, i swear.

Been sometime since i had this many girls in my life.

:)

Eleven.

That's plenty of girls.

We can form like a support group or something.

In my imagination

It's really funny how the funniest thoughts strike you when you're on the toilet, staring at your bathroom walls. Earlier on, i was giggling like crazy, over this-

Yo momma's so fat,
That the belt around her waist reads;
THE EQUATER.

It was some joke shared among TGs a few weeks ago. Damn thosegirls make me beam :)

This week's been... good, actually!

Misery loves company

Today, I got smirked at by this hefty blimp of a minah simply because I was only observing the way her boyfriend (a very good-looking and smells like heaven- type of guy) was shamelessly planting sweet little kisses on her forhead. As much as it may come across as unbelievable; I really was not thinking of evil thoughts, whatsoever. In fact, I was merely just observing; admittedly perhaps a tad wistfully. & I may come across as overly sensitive but I could have sworn that she gave me the “hah-you’re-going-home-alone-you-sad-cow-so-that-makes-me-better-than-you” look. She looked at me for a good 3 seconds and me, in my blank state simply stared back, in what I really hope was an expressionless gaze. I can't be bothered with all the "unfairness" in the world anymore. Justice will be served only when people like Syahira get rammed by a truck and survives, crippled and bald, i swear. Ooops, i've mentioned names. So kill me.

It has been a month. I have to say, this must have been the longest month, ever. My mind must have careened and spun more than a dozen times each week. And every time that happens, I told myself, with great resolve that it’ll be the last time. Of course, the subconscious mind just refuses to listen. And so I find myself back in a rut, time and time again. Maybe i deserve this for being so judgemental and bitter.

Love, in words.

"Love is different every time. It's nothing more than a chemical reaction really. An arrow, some signs and alphabets that make an equation. Only the elements change. Call it chemistry,if you will. When you introduce a new element,you never know how stable or strong the original bond is. You may get a new union,with something left behind;residue. I believe people can fall in love innumerable times with many different people but no two times are the same, very much like snowflakes. One love may be steady and another may be all fire. Who is to say which is better than the other. The deciding factor is how it all fits together; your love and your life."

*Taken off Yanni's entry.

I hope you don't mind me sharing this, dear, because i find it a truly accurate and fantastic representation of that little thing called love.

Family

Last minute dinner at Carousel on Friday night. It was great, seeing them again. & I was just so thankful to have such a huge distraction (what’s with my obsession with distractions?) It reminded me that at least family’s one thing you can count on to be a constant part of your life.

We saw Khairuddin Shaharom (is this the right spelling?), having dinner with his associates and oh my, how yummy he looked!

She just got back from wales

Always there for us; OUR AUNTIE!

Oyster platter and my fav bread & butter pudding

So mengada only.

***

So anyway i met Farah this morning, to have breakfast at LJS, something we've never tried before. Next week will be Swensens, yes? Haha. Farah and I already talked about being flatmates and all. I'm sure she already has a cleaning schedule planned for us already! I just love her company!

After that i met Hafiz and he gave me a good, sharp pep talk about A's and how i shouldn't be wasting energy on unecessary stuff that won't benefit me in any way. Some things that he mentioned were so scarily accurate about me. Then he taught me how to "make use" of others. It's not evil, i guess, it's something called survival. Ha! It was sucha great slap-talk, i swear. Hafiz became more mature and wiser... Or maybe he's always been that way, just that i never noticed. Perhaps it's the whole NS experience, huh?

Thanks a whole lot anyway, for your help :)

Sigh. Time to hit the books, i guess.

Pictures from CIP, yesterday.

Miss Yani!

The rooms those boys sleep in

Our empty school hall

Photo credits to: Slivester Chua
For more of 06A2's pictures, visit;
http://www.flickr.com/photos/24886676@N04/

Those things from long ago

I found this list while clearing up my bookshelf yesterday, stuck between one of the old notebooks. I made this list when I was eight, because my bestfriend Rachel at that time made me. Here’s what it said (exactly, in my eight-year-old hand);

Nasirah’s boyfriend must

1. be TALL
2. be Handsome or cute
3. like Disney movies
4. cannot be shy. Must tell his friends that I’m his girlfriend
5. be in my class
6. be smart and can spell
7. hand in homework
8. be nice to Miss Alice Ek
9. have fair skin
10. love his pets and family
11. bring chicken nuggets or hotdog to school for me
12. have nice smell

I laughed reading this. I must say, I think my English was pretty okay, even back then. I guess I knew better what I wanted when I was eight. Shame on you, Nas. Some things though, just never change. It amazed me how “TALL” appeared right at the top, in capital letters. Ten years down the road and I do still prefer guys who are at least one head taller than I am. I have an explanation for number 11. You see, my mother bans the consumption of hotdogs at home (yes, even till now) and so, I often crave for ‘artificial food’. Nuggets, were my favourite. HAHA.

About yesterday? I guess I probably shouldn’t mention much of it here. Eunice, shhh. Lol.

I just hope Sliv would give us the link to photos (:

Funny Monday talks

It seems like Those Girls have a penchant for discussing deep, "meaningful" stuff on Mondays. Amazing, i tell you. Siti Ng and Peng(san) gave all of us a low down, since they're so friggin' experienced.

Spots and what nots. I love it when you girls talk cock. (LOL, GET IT?)

On a sidenote, ever since Mdm Shamala mentioned "Everybody Loves Raymond" this morning, I've been craving to watch that comedy.

I gave myself this one week holiday to recover.

This is probably the first time i've set a dateline for myself and actually managed to acheive my goal; which was of course, to start focusing on school again and push all thoughts of Abdar aside. I wanted to do this by Friday, 14/3/08 (i told Pei Meng this and he constantly reminded me to perservere and stick to my plan- for my own good) & i think i was successful :D Friday night, i started to try reading Cold War again. The relief of feeling more or less normal again is amazing, i swear. I won't say i'm completely over it, but i'll be fine.

There was this couple standing on the crowded bus today. The girl was leaning on his chest, breathing in her bf's t-shirt. I smiled thinking about how i used to do that a whole lot.

Details don't matter we both paid the price
Nothing can compare to one's first true love
So i hope this will remind you;
When it's for real it's "forever"
So don't forget about US.

Closure, almost

So today, i went to NUS's open house. Like many other open houses that i've been to, i still don''t quite get my purpose of attending such events. Is it supposed to spur an interest or something? I can't quite figure it out. And even with an insider bringing me around NUS's campus, we still pretty much went around in circles, ha ha. Transport routes confuse the hell outta me, among many other things. Had smoothies and fig&olive afterwards with him (Luqman), who seriously can sometimes make me feel dumb and sound dumb and sometimes inaudible too because the stuff that i say are of course, not worth hearing. But that's okay, i guess he's entitled to some superiority (he doesn't do it on purpose, lol). Talked about people and people and more people. People.

It set me thinking about all the different types of people out there that i've yet to encounter. Problem with me is, most times I just don't bother getting to know people deeper than what's necessary, beneath the superficiality and all that. Maybe i'm afraid. People come with a whole lot of emotional baggage & you can choose who to care for and who to keep away from. That's one good thing about people. Somehow though, they all always end up leaving.

After the chat with Abdar yesterday, i have to say, things are being put into better perspective. I think we've managed to handle it pretty well, yes? Quite maturely too. You are one hell of a special person to me.

FINE i may have acted like a freak but that's our secret, okay friends?

Cookies!

It was really fun, i swear. I think we all got to know Farah Zee a little better, yes? You damn hot girl, you! Bonding over cookies in Jana's kitchen, that's what! The scene reminded me a little of Sweeny Todd, the part where she baked the meat pies. LOL. I have no idea why. So glad i was able to make it eventually :) I'm really happy- for now.

& I'm sorry Farah has to always put up with my "performance" on bus rides. I cannot help it la Farah A... but i'm glad you're by my side. Seriously, SERIOUSLY. Don't know what i'd do without you. I can only hope to be as much of a friend to you, like you have been for me.

P/S: I forgot to tell you, Farah that yesterday, i dreamt of us, AT OUR OLD AGE! We were sitting in your kitchen and we were making epok-epok and talking so lovingly about our husbands; who at that moment were at the mosque, together! Oh oh, and did you know what you called your husband?? Bai baby (yes, at 65, you know!) For some reason. HAHA.

Shrek & Princess Fiona

I watched Shrek and it gave me a totally different perspective this time around. I think it's amazing, how the princess fell in love with an ogre. Things are only impossible when you believe it to be. Then again, sometimes you just have to accept things at face value. The question is; when should one keep trying, and when should one give up?

I have been sober 3 days in a row and i'm proud of it. Now, can i do it for the months to come? It's not like you have a choice, Nas. Haha.

Strangely though, sometimes i just keep hoping that it'll come back to him, just the way it went away- unexpectedly. Maybe this is one of the cases whereby hope does much more harm than good.

We all have our Shreks and Princess Fionas in us. I guess it has to be about which one makes up most of our individual self. The ogre, or princess?

My own little art experiment.

Why play love by the strings?

It's intimate; the way love ought to be.

An epic battle of all time

A battle of emotions, fought by two

Why play love by the strings?

Allow yourself to be lifted.

Feel sensational, invincible and irreplaceable.

Feel cherished and free.

Feel anger, doubt and betrayal!

Confusion, Ridicule and then maybe even nothing at all.

& finally comes realisation. Forgive.

That's what love is like.

Flood the town with tears and it won't stop hurting.

Seek solace in many different arms and there'll still be no peace.

Jump right in and join the love crusade

Only fools stay a safe distance from love's first sorrows.

Why keep waiting, playing on those tommorows?

But

Because i know what it's like-

I'll play love by the strings.

by Nas.

Mean thoughts

My mean thought at this moment:

How come some girls, who look like fucking mother of whales walking on land get to keep their boyfriends? And how come their boyfriend's love can grow stronger for them each and every day? How come is their boyfriend so devoted to them? What is it about them that is so fucking lovably special??? Why are they so spectacular? Why am i so easily left? I know, I know!!!!!! Because i am an insolent girl who resembles nothing like a fucking whale's mother, right? RIGHT? RIGHT OR NOT??? I DESERVE TO BE MISERABLE. Because people like me should be shot so that mother of whales can enjoy being loved because if not, there just won't be enough love to go around, rightright? AND DON'T GIVE ME THAT CRAP ABOUT PERSONALITY BECAUSE THEY HAVE NOTHING THAT IS TO BE DESIRED- (what, you like loud, boisterous girls who think the world should collasp at their beauty and lick their feet is it?) EXCEPT MAYBE THEIR CELLULITE INFESTED NEHNEHS BECAUSE IT'S JUST GETTING TOO FUCKING HEAVY.

*breathe breathe. You are not writing sense, Nas. Why the hell am i blaming them for my own misfortune? Haha, I'm just crazy.

I was on the verge of calling Ataraxia up to launch a discussion but lucky i was still thinking rationally. & so, at around 3:38 am i am now typing away on this entry like a complete idiot.

Initially i wanted to write a reflection based on Sumiko Tan's Sunday column but i cannot think very straight now, obviously.

Saturday morning

Najihah sat up and gasped, "YOU'RE SO... WHITE!"
I just turned my head towards her, and puked all over my sister's bed.

OMG. Najmah will so kill me when she gets home from camp.

What a night, yesterday was. I felt completely sick from the tip of my hair to the ends of my toenails.. It's really funny how things work, right? The release of my H1 A'level results sure scared me, but not as much as the other things do. I am just thankful that at least those are just H1 grades.

Congratulations to Yanni, Asmara and Shikin for making it so wonderfully :) You girls will be my inspiration to get through this year.

Did you realise, Abdar that yesterday was the seventh? I wonder how you felt about that. Did it cross your mind?

OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. IT'S THE WEEKENDS AGAIN.

Start focusing.

Dear God, please do not let things go out of hand.

My head is too messed up and it really hurts.
My eyes are tired and ought to be poked out.
My ears hear noises but they no longer listen.
My hand gestures are not co-ordinated and i keep dropping things.
My legs have stopped looking forward to stepping out of the house.
My mind's running in circles thinking about the same old concerns.
And lastly,
My heart cares too much and i wish it'll just stop loving.
Now would be great.
Thank You.

Feels like i'm at the southern-most point in my life. It can't possibly get any lower.

A little like Lily Allen

I can wind down low
Be like the girls in the videos
But for me that’s much too slow
Because I prefer rock and roll
I say, yeah
I can wind down low
Dance like the girls in the videos
But for me that’s a no-no
‘Cause I prefer rock and roll
- Remi Nicole

Nice happy beat (:

For H1 Maths, i can only pray and hope for the best. Who knows what goes on in there, after moderation. Anyway, i'm sure the support team (TGs) will be there, armed with tissues, in case of emergency, rightright? Stock up, girls!

Swirls and twirls.

I enjoyed being your girlfriend, Abdar dear and believe me, nobody else can do it quite like i do; all the love and devotion. You were honestly unyielding and sacred to me.

But we're friends now. I'm coming to terms with that. I hope your future girlfriend's better than i am (actually that's a lie but i don't wanna come across as an insanely jealous psycho) but i know you won't parade her in front of the world just to show me up because you're way too nice and lovely-this i know for sure.

There's one thing i didn't manage to do, which i kinda fantasized about (i never told Abdar this); I've always dreamt about putting on his rugby jersey to sleep or to watch one of his games & supporting him in his jersey...but i never got the chance to! But nevermind, MI jerseys are not very exclusive anyway. Anything that makes you feel better lahh, Nas.

One a lighter note; I LOVE YOU TGs, for just being there and providing much appreciated girly hugs and heart-to-hearts and lovely text messages which kept me from feeling too lonely. Specially also to Nadyra Peng and our little History consultation, which i needed so badly!

By the way, i no longer have interest in boys- well, at least for the moment. Leave me be trying to pick up the pieces first, okay. Exercise some consideration.

To end,

Suckin' too hard on your lollipop oh, love's gonna get you down.
We all know that.